Who the F*** does Bieber think he is? The little prick.

This is not a band-wagon jumping blog post, but rather an annoyed parent pissed off at spending £300 quid on a ticket for a sub-standard event by a petulant teenager.

Bearing in mind that Jason Bieber is little more than children's entertainer, much like a clown or a Punch and Judy man, why does he think that he can act like a genuine celebrity and come and go on his own schedule. As much as it is a cliche, without his fans he is nothing, as most of them (if not all) are young girls under fifteen he cannot be so thick to not realise that his appearance at the O2 last night (4th March 2013) was not only on a school night but also that a large number of the expectant crowd had to travel some distance. This little idiot threw a tantrum earlier in the week when a night club wouldn't break the law for him so maybe this is pathetic attempt to 'show them' by being late on stage.

I don't doubt that the selfish little oompah-loompah has a modicum of talent in his own 'famous for five minutes' little way, but, in as much the same way as a Big Brother winner has a few days of fame before appearing in Celebrity Big Brother then fading into obscurity, Bieber must realise that without keeping his fans happy their blind adoration will evaporate very quickly so he has to make the most of his hour in the sun.

My neighbour's daughter travelled from Gosport to the concert but had to leave at 2230 in order to catch the last train, Bieber came on stage at 2220. This story is typical of many who attended.

Get a grip on any personal issues young man and do your job!!!

Rant over, Merry Christmas ;-)

Snow, sausages and Chat magazine

Unbelievable. A couple of hours of snow and subsequent light dusting of Gods dandruff leads our intrepid nation to grind to a halt. Perhaps the mothers with 4 x 4 SUVs, purchased for the short school run, are actually justified in their approach, or perhaps not. Every year, in fact every time the weather yields anything other than perfect blue skies and a temperature of between 15 and 16 degrees Celsius, results in carnage on the road, rails and in the skies. Such as this photo of Asda car park yesterday afternoon.


First a quick note on the whole truck thing for the school run, as it really grips my colonic output. The standard school structure is one of multiple infant/primary/junior schools feeding their annual cohort into a smaller number of senior schools. Looking at the size of the catchment area of the schools for the younger kids shows a radius of a few hundred metres on average, this is obviously more pertinent for areas with more dense residential districts so I will use Gosport as an example.

There are at least four infant/primary schools within walking distance of my house, that would be a radius of around half a mile. Yet, every morning the roads choke with parents driving their precious packages to school. There are always exceptions, but most of these lazy idiots can't have more than two or three hundred yards to travel. I constantly argue with Emma on this, this came to point when I downright refused to drive to an assembly at the Junior school for Eddy. My dad relented and drove, I walked, guess who arrived first? I took this picture in the summer of a particularly belligerent mum who was a tad late (I didn't really).

Back to the public transport system. It can hardly be a surprise that at certain times every year the temperature drops and the nature of the precipitation alters into a more solid aspect. We call this Winter and as far as I can tell from my research it has been occurring on a rather regular basis since at lest 1974, it may have happened before this but records are hard to interpret. Most countries with a recurring weather problem tend to plan ahead, so why are we, as a nation fail miserably in this respect. Gritting in advance, around August, would make sense, as would defrosting the railway tracks with some sort of hovering remote controlled laser car, I can't remember if I saw this on telly or dreamt it, it could be both. The moment the Daily Fail reports yet another 'Big Freeze' the public transport, but it's not is it. Perhaps that's the issue, public transport run by private companies, why should they spend any money on upgrading their services for inclement weather conditions? We're used to it. We'll complain but do 'k all about it. Tossers.

Predictably I failed to get much writing done this weekend spending the time instead doing very little and trying to chill out but life conspires against me, forcing the use of cliches and popular soundbites. I shall endeavour to write more next week but another job change looms as does a number of other changes.

On a more positive note, about the only one I have to cling to at the moment, I received a call from Chat magazine for the read back of my article appearing on the 21st February. We took the call in the car, on hands free, so that Emma could listen. On the whole it was well written and sensitively approached, although I doubt that I have ever been bored or indeed watched TV or washed the dishes. Still, it was wonderful to be considered important enough to warrant inclusion in a National magazine.

More tomorrow as this may prove to be a rather busy week.

Celebrities doing shit...how far can this format be stretched?

After watching some of the first instalment of the 'Splash' programme I really despaired and any hope that remained for the resurrection of entertainment on terrestrially available channels on my tell-box was finally shattered. I was even more disappointed when Dom Joly, who I have always considered a writer and broadcaster of decent integrity has recently announced that he is to appear on the show, is there no depths that production companies will sink in an attempt to placate the lowest possible denominator? How prophetic that Steve Coogan's alter ego, Alan Partridge, highlights some outlandish formats and ideas as he desperately tries to save his career at the BBC.

It all seemed so comical and outlandish at the time, but now? Monkey tennis? The whole reality TV approach started off as a bit of a novelty but has been stretched to limits almost parodying the original format. Indeed the idea of normal, (well hardly) members of the general public locked up together in differing circumstances is vaguely entertaining, in as much as the Stanford prison experiment was entertaining for those involved. The 'contestants',  for want of a better description, are not in any way representative of genuine society, aspiring as they do to achieve the elusive status of celebrity without actually having any genuine talent. Indeed, this untalented factor is compounded when those 'kin idiots made famous in a reality show, Made in Chelsea, The only way is Essex and of course Big Brother, appear shortly after as a 'celebrity' in 'celebrity' Big Brother, I'm (not really a) celebrity get me out of here and now Splash.

I feel that I must say, that beyond a brief and critical view of these programmes I try my absolute hardest to avoid them, sometimes with little success as the media, both printed and broadcasted become obsessed.

It's all arse!

First post of the new year, I still hate the Disney Channel

I logged onto my blog for the first time in a while and was surprised to see that I haven't posted since Christmas Eve. I has started a number of posts in the period between Christmas and New Year but failed to complete any of them, which I just forgot.

So here we are, the first post of 2013. The world did not end, time ticks on and all too quickly life returns to the normal daily routine, or at least as much of a routine that I will allow (I loathe the thought that tomorrow will be the same as today).  My long term contract is quickly drawing to close, I may only have a few weeks left, so I am escalating the exposure of my company at the same time as looking for another contract. I will be starting a professionally based blog very shortly and as such will not bother polluting my Pirate Badgers blog with anything other than personal nonsense.

The year began as the previous one had ended; with me searching for any reason not to write, to excuse my lack of progress with 'The Sausage Trail', which was great for other jobs I had spent months ignoring; I finally collated my 2000AD and Judge Dredd comic collection, rewired the AV kit in the lounge, sorted the hundreds of DVDs and XBOX games that have slowly grown in number over the course of 2012, I even de-fleaed the dog...twice. Then, yesterday, I received an email that summarily gave me a right royal kick up the arse. even now, as I'm blogging about my book, I have my iPad next to me and occasionally break for a quick game of Battle Monkeys (try it, it is amazing). I won! The email was from a literary magazine who are currently organising a German-themed spoken word event called 'Wanderlust' and have asked me to appear as a guest speaker. That combined with the attention from a number of newspapers and magazines has really spurred me on to get the trail rolling once more.

A recurring question that has intrigued me and fuelled my ever active imagination yielding future goals and aspirations has been one concerning a sequel. OK, I haven't even finished the first book yet, but if there is any measure of success from the final product then I hope that there will sufficient interest to justify a sequel. A number of destinations have been suggested, Indonesia, India, China, all over Africa. With the proper time and budget I would love to do these and more.

The sausage trail aside the year has began in a positive and productive manner and one which I feel I must maintain. I have also received an email from The Sausage King, a guy who has a wealth of knowledge on sausages, I have responded and look forward to a potential joint venture.

Thoughts later on the Everest trip and other charity rallys.

My top ten Christmas facts from around the world

As we find ourselves immersed in yet another festive period I would like to share some of my recent research (and as such is beyond contestation ;-) regarding Christmas around the world.

Here are my top ten facts:

10. In the town of Ylikiiminki in Northern Finland a festival is held every year on Christmas Eve where the towns chickens are dressed as their last King, Nicholas II.

9. The indigenous people of the island of Pulau Taam have no word for Christmas, yet have 14 words for underarm deodorant.

8. Until 1974 Santa Claus was depicted in the Belgian media to have a large, benign anal tumour, it was evident in Coca-cola adverts in the Benelux countries until 1982.

7. On Christmas Day in 1993 fourteen Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas, Nevada, committed suicide by consuming a lethal dose of gelatine based gravy granules. All incidents were officially unrelated.

6. Elves were invented by Cornish child genius Colin Barnwell. He was delighted when his creatures were included in the Christmas tradition but died whilst in the middle of a vicious legal battle with the Tolkien estate after he insisted that all Elves in The Lord of The Rings were re-written to reflect his happy, rosy cheeked creations.

5. During the second world war Santa relocated from Norway to Barnsley where he was well received by the local prostitutes and miners.

4. There have been nine reindeer related incidents in Marseilles this Christmas alone.

3. Dean Martin, the famous rat pack crooner, applied unsuccessfully to act as PA to Santa's musical director. Norman Wisdom got the job.

2. In certain areas of Southern Chile they speak of the evil dwarf, Nivvi Pikki, who steals into children's rooms on the 31st December to steal their favourite presents and sodomise their pets.

1. This is my favourite. Since Bear Grylls started his TV show there have been no fewer that 8 million reports of parachuting ninja Santa attacks in Madrid.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Merry Christmas.

Merry Sausage Christmas...almost!!!

As the festive season draws closer to the main event, that being Boxing Day when it's all over, thank Christ, the sausage trail rumbles on.

After the pretty excellent article written by Ben Fishwick for the Portsmouth News a national news agency picked the story and ran with it, the story making its way onto page three of Metro, Ok it was under the 'Weird' section but a good story never the less and excellent promotion for a book I have yet to finish.

I have received a few emails and messages through facebook asking about the sequel and in particular which sausages and places I aim to visit on my next journey. That is a difficult question to even contemplate, thinking about answering let alone coming up with a wish list and from that a schedule. Any sausagey travels will have to wait until 2014 when I have polished the book and completed my Everest hike with Will but I would really like to combine some sausage trail antics with a charity banger rally or two (or similar trip). If time does not allow this ideal combination of my travel passions then I suppose wandering off with an Easterly bent would provide ample opportunity for sausages and adventures.

Christmas will soon be upon us and with it the chance to roast some sausages with a great big bird, marvellous.

The sausage trail, the highlights

It was really nice to see a local journalist who can, not only write, but also get the facts right. Fair respect to Ben Fishwick who put together a nice two-page spread for the Portsmouth News. The piece today, which I would have loved to link in this blog, included some good photos and a great layout. When I say good photos I do of course mean that the photos included were those I sent to the paper and  not the cheesy, populist snaps (although very professionally taken) by the photographer supplied by the newspaper.

This morning I was called by a national news-agency who asked a few questions. These questions made me think, and reconsider my original responses to similar questions I asked myself during the period of my travels.

There were two main points that caused me to pause and think. The first regarded the highlights of my year long sojourn. This was not so easy as every place I visited had many high points, so much so that all I can say, now, in this blog is that the following were of great emotional and literal interest:

Up Helly Aa, Barbara and the band, and the Vikings
Kobasicijada, the sausage club taking me to their hearts
Hamburg, the BBQ with Matts friends and family
River Cottage, the loud Aussie
The Chilli festival in Dorset, hot shit
France, the Segur-le-chateau farmers market
Hungary, crazy Hungarians and pigs
Vegas, competition cooking

All memorable and massive, I could write on each for hours, indeed I intent to.

The second question, from the journalist, was even more pointed:

What did you not do?

I was lost for words, well momentarily anyway. My predictable response was that I wished to visit the places I had identified but failed to reach. To which they asked where, I answered and the journalist suggested a sequel. Marvellous.