More Jeremy Kyle than James Bond

It was 'Mad Friday' last week, the day when every workplace holds their Christmas p*ss-up, including ours. The upshot of this is that if you are with a large group of blokes you have little or no chance of getting into any decent pubs. When this transpired to be the case o Friday a small group of us filtered away from the main group opting for a visit to the Casino as an alternative to the proposed en-masse exodus to a nearby strip club. I had already made my mind up to get home before the last ferry at midnight and so looked forward to a brief interlude at the Grosvenor Casino at Gunwharf Quays. I wish I'd just gone home.

Once again my growing intolerance colours my impression as the place was packed with young drunk idiots, who were not gambling and older, shaven headed Pompey mushes with rolls of fifty pound notes who were. Of those gambling it would fair to say that they had very little idea on how to play, how to act or in most cases how to count. I have visited Casinos a fair bit, not habitually nor with a view to develop a habit, and on the whole have enjoyed the experience; from the laid back island approach of Antigua to the very cheap roughness of Mombassa they all have their own particular charm and character. Not so The Grosvenor. The usual hushed conversation hovering in the background of the sounds of roulette, slots and dice was not in attendance, instead the raucous cackle of orange skinned slappers and the frequent barked profanity of their drunk partners drifted around the packed floor. A snap shot would have given the viewer an impression of a cross between Jeremy Kyle and Hogarths Gin Lane. After losing a hundred quid or so we cashed in our chips, so to speak then chipped in twenty quid each for a final throw of the dice, or as it transpired, spin of the wheel. Red or black? We went Red and the ball landed in, predictably, black!! That was it for me, the other lads returned to the festive throng in Southsea and I boarded the awaiting Gosport ferry.

There are some things that we do well in the UK, casinos are not one of them. I will restrict my future visits to times when I am either abroad or in the company of someone who knows about these things.