Friday 19 July 2013

Landscape

Although dad arrived late last night, we did manage to have a few glasses of wine and put the world to rights. Waking this morning in a strange place (well stranger than normal) the magnitude of our current situation hit me like a rubber fish, sharp and stinging, right across the face. At the moment the important  bills that have failed, direct debits bounced include the mortgage from our joint account and the truck from the company account. There are others, but not so life changingly important as those two, which can stop any possibility of recovery, the others (I hope) I will be able to recover when the income ramps up in the next few weeks.

The doubts and fears that have been bubbling below the surface rose to swamp me with an overpowering feeling of nausea and hopelessness, which lasted until I arrived at the office. Ems was there beavering away with her latest editing assignment and was pleased to see Dad, and to a lesser extent, me. I sent the necessary emails which sufficed for the day and to set things up for next week, a lot of opportunities which are approaching the money shot.

We were let down massively when we failed to sell the Honda cub 90s earlier in the week and I couldn't see where the payment for the main bills was coming from. The boys, and Kirsty, were packed off to Fareham to Cash Converters in a desperate attempt to get some cash. In the time between them leaving and returning a few things happened that have restored my faith in humanity in general and re-affirmed my feelings of a few in particular.

First of all my dad not only helped out with the daily trip to Asda but also forced a few quid into Emma's hand to tide us over for a while, I am immensely grateful for this and even though pride provides an obstacle to accepting such offers I hope that I have helped out enough to warrant a justification. Secondly, a neighbour came round and gave us some clothes for Beth, as she is constantly complaining about not having enough and is growing like a weed this was extremely gratefully received, again I am so blown away at the thoughtfulness and consideration.

The boys returned having managed to sell only a few items, my life is almost like a constant task from 'The Apprentice'. They raised £28, which I divvied up between them as they had tried so hard. They had visited Kirsty's grandmother's house for her to collect a few bits and bobs as she is now effectively living with us, and I am glad that she is. She brought with her bags and boxes of stuff that would help, food, toiletries and such and again I was pretty grateful and rocked that such help was being offered.

I know that this all sounds so desperate and embarrassing but there is a time and place for embarrassment and now is neither. I believe so strongly in what I am doing and those that are involved in Cerberus that there is now no alternative but to crack on, I will keep trying to close the contract with Arqiva and keep applying every job that crops up. I have so many plates spinning, balls in the air, throwing so many balls at so many coconuts that it is difficult to keep track of the best options.

At this point, at home, I was overwhelmed by the help, care and consideration from friends and family in these troubling times and in that I DO include my sister-in-law, Liza. She has been there in difficult times and has supported us when Ems and I have suffered, and for that I do extend my thanks and eternal gratitude. Standing in the kitchen leaning on the work surface, staring at the microwave (it's lovely) I was closer to jacking it all in than ever. I had so many doubts and felt that I was, and am, letting everyone down with my inactivity and apparent failure to secure any real business. But then Will saw me looking so down and negative and merely smiled and told me that he believed in me, so sincerely that I instantly resolved to continue.

I checked the accounts online, more to see how bad things were, and saw that, again, the bank had blindly paid off my company credit card throwing my business account further into the red (they did promise me a hefty increase so I don't feel too bad) but consequently giving me access to ready funds to  pay bills. I rushed off to the cash point and withdrew the maximum amount, hope springs eternal ;-)

The business has so much potential and promise that we WILL succeed and I can only extend my genuine thanks and respect to all who believe and have supported me and my family in these rather awkward times.

Today a roller-skating parrot.









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